Doggone. Are You Kitten Me?

For ten years and counting, the state of Massachusetts has mandated cat and dog owners to submit their pets for training and assessments—under the guidance of the State of Massachusetts’ Dog and Cat Training and Moral Assessments Guidelines. The training, free of charge and facilitated by the state, has a series of components, curriculum and assessments, including sign language, the pet must meet in order to hold a Morally Trained and Responsible Cat and Dog License. The license validates that the cats and dogs hold the majority of responsibility for their actions. The training also ensures that at any time, a citizen of Massachusetts can communicate with cats and dogs with simple language such as sit and stay.

After which, veterinarians insert a chip of verification inside the torso of the animal. Cats and dogs not able to pass the assessments join a list of cats and dogs unsuitable for The State of Massachusetts; the pets transition permanently to The State of Florida where politicians have less concern for the safety of its citizens and animals. However, the cats and dogs will apparently function as comfort animals for parolees and for any Florida Man.

The mandated training and assessment for dog and cat owners came about after a neighbor asked a neighbor to pet sit for her cat, Rubix Cube. The neighbor brought her infant child to a pet sitting visit. At some point, the pet sitter went into the bathroom and the infant began cooing—apparently—disturbing the cat.

Rubix Cube crawled into the mobile bassinet, disturbing the infant who began wailing. Thereafter the cat clawed into the infant’s jugular vein. The pet sitter and new mom returned from the bathroom to discover the traumatic and terrifying situation; her screams and outrage frightened Rubix Cube who scattered to the scratching post in the corner. The in-home camera captured video footage of the infant’s mom talking to a 911 Dispatcher, following directions, leaving the room to retrieve ice and a towel to staunch the bleeding. Video footage also captured images of the infant’s mother continuously kicking Rubix Cube as she held the phone. The infant later died at the hospital. Rubix Cube suffered a concussion, left under the supervision of her owner. However, Rubix Cube–according to its owner, ran away. Theorists and neighbors speculate the owner shipped Rubix Cube to family in another state to escape persecution.

Then came the irresistibly controversial and attractive news of Magnet.

Magnet, a rottweiler in the neighborhood of Senior Moments, a senior residential home, mauled a group of seniors while on a walk, killing one and injuring another. The state later learned that Magnet held a Morally Trained and Responsible Animal License. Outraged, the community gathered for a town hall meeting, attended by the governor who presented an outline for a Cat and Dog Prison.

“For years we have mandated training for our cats and dogs. The data has shown that cat and dog violence towards humans have declined by forty percent. With this recent attack, and others, might I mind you, it’s time to ensure we’re holding our cats and dogs accountable for their actions" voiced the governor.

A survivor of the melee who asked to remain anonymous stated passing by Magnet during walks occurred frequently. “Yes, we’d see her. Stop and pet her, had a relationship with her owner who’d put money in her dog pouch. We would occasionally—with Magnet—walk to the corner store and purchase a few Scooby Snacks. On several occasions there would not be enough money to buy the snacks, so we’d just chip in and pay the difference, always leaving a sticky note in the dog pouch asking the owner—Ms. Marshall. a school teacher—to refund us the difference. We never got the difference; we are not well to do, living on a fixed income. On this particular day, I opened the pouch, counted the money—"not enough" I told Magnet who became furious, barking and whatnot. I followed the protocol, told Magnet to sit, and created distance between Magnet and us senior citizens. Magnet barked and lashed out at us; we're old and feeble, couldn't defend one bit against a force like Cujo. The scene mirrored a bloody slasher movie."

The survivor continued, "I’m hard of hearing, have been all my life. I know sign language, and I use it with Magnet. I’d sign for Magnet to stand, sit, bark, follow. Once while walking with Magnet, I noticed that I’d lost my scarf, must’ve dropped it during the walk. I signed for Magnet to backtrack and look for the scarf on the ground; I’m talking about two miles Magnet went. We chunked on the bench and waited. Sure ‘nough, Magnet returned with the scarf in mouth, soggy but as good as new. Magnet a whippersnapper of a dog. She know what she did. After clawing into us she had the audacity to poop on the one fella she murdered. Intentional. I'm telling you--intentional."

There are many questions regarding how a cat and dog prison will operate. Forest Scott, a resident of Boston asked "How will this prison idea work with pets with Attention Deficit Hypertension Disorder? My dog Doodle has been diagnosed. There is no way you can hold her accountable for her actions."

Krista Rice questioned the ethicality. "It is correct that dogs and cats

are capable of responding to sign and verbal language and data suggests that after training and assessments, cats and dogs are cognizant of their actions as animals, but we must think about the low-income population, our animals of color. Everyone knows that a black dog and especially a black cat has experienced more isolation, bullying, than our non colored population. Look in any animal shelter, what color of cats and dogs will you always find available? Black. It's the same situation in the foster homes for children–the black boys and girls are always available–unwanted."

The governor noted that prisons for cats and dogs with mental disorders will exist separately from the prison where Magnet probably belongs.

"For that matter,"spoke the governor, "cats and dogs who shoplift pet food, a crime that has increased post dog training and assessments, versus a crime of mugging a tween, another crime on the rise as our dogs take advantage of our less vulnerable–innocent children–versus more trivial white collar crimes like bribery, will have varying designated prisons.

The governor referenced a case in Amherst, where the neighborhood's friendly stray cat, Zora, couch surfed between nine and ten homes. While in a home, Zora learned of a woman's affair, and initially attempted to bribe the woman for weekly cans of KOHA, a high end cat food priced at $278.00 for 5 ounces. The woman barked at the notion, eventually agreeing on the cat's meow for Lotus Cat food pricing at $120.00 for a five ounce can.

"Zora" the governor expanded, "had a purr-fect record, no business to tabby a litter box in a prison with the likes of Magnet and Rubix Cube."

A survey completed by those in attendance noted that while the governor hissed out some purr-suasive points, most citizens anticipate learning who will sit on the committee to form the cat and dog prison–and in which neighborhoods the prisons will reside.

"I already live near an inner city high school, teenagers smoking weed on the street corner, drinking beer, making out and doing doughnuts in the street. Build the cat and dog prison in my neighborhood? You kitten me?" asked Lora Seng of Roxbury. "That's gonna attract all kinds of breeds, if you know what I mean?"

The governor concluded her presentation with some key bullet points:

The committee will craft visitation hours for pet owners.

No life sentences, even for the likes of Rubix Cube and Magnet.

Pet owners can apply for pet probation.

Consideration for the death penalty lives only for unique circumstances.

Zoos will function as possible prison alternatives or lesser crimes.

A frustrated attendee, disappointed that the town hall meeting ended before she could speak, noted, " Teaching and training cats and dogs backfired. Before the implementation of these new policies, we didn't have these problems. Yes, I'll admit, a gang of dogs could just bombard a group of preschool children on a rope walk, but if all animals are trained even a three-year old can say sit doggie. Without the education we'd have a group of slaughtered preschool tykes. Back then we would blame the dog owner. No owner? We'd fault society. With the education of animals, the underlying takeaway: animals still do stupid shit, just like humans. Bribery by a doggone cat? Cats and dogs have too much knowledge. Tell meow that cat learned about bribery? Education that's how. You teach a thing one thing, that thing can then use that thing to learn another thing. It's a fear we must consider like the fear slave owners had of slaves learning to read and write."